Being an adult is not easy. I guess just existing, whether it’s adult or younger is difficult. Each phase brings a new type of challenge.

We have been working on purchasing our first home. And along with that has come A LOT of adulting. Paperwork, financial conversations, questioning if we are doing the right thing. It’s a new level of adulthood that we have walked into.

At the same time, I have my brother criticizing me. His lack of support hurt me more than I expected. We have never been best friends. I think he’s hardly tolerated my existence most of his life. The struggle and competition has always been real. But always one-sided. I never cared what he did or how much he made or what kind of house he lived in. It’s hard not to think that it’s a jealousy thing.

Putting thoughts into something cohesive is kind of difficult even when there is a list in your head.

Brother problems.

House struggles

Coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed an adult with 2 children and I am required to interact with other adults and do adult things and try not to curse and reference just not wanting to be an adult.

I don’t REALLY feel like I am a 29-year-old lady. Even if I kick some major grown up ass by going to work every day and paying all my bills in a timely manner. There’s still some part of me that doesn’t want to accept it. I am kind of okay with that. With my slightly childish humor and my mouth that can get me in just a little trouble, but not enough that gets my name on any papers.

I guess I justify some of my immaturity with being responsible in other areas of my life. I try hard to be a good parent and a good wife and keep my house clean and not be a jerk. I’m bad a friends. I’m lazy when it comes to socializing. I have realized when I try to censor myself it just turns into me not speaking much at all.

I spend the majority of my time feeling out-of-place when I am around other people around my age. They seem to have their shit together. My shits together. But I want to wear weird shoes and just do my own thing.

I am terrified of all the future birthday parties I will have to no doubt one day attend with my children. Listening to other parents talk about parent things. I’ll probably be wishing I was skinny enough to jump in the jump house and trying not to say the “F” word.

Growing up is a trap. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad at it. I just don’t want to. I want to dig my heels in and stay in my 20’s. Not that I do what typical 29-year-old ladies do. I fall asleep by 9. I am awake by 6.

Look at me. Being an adult. Buying a house. Paying off cars and debt. Like a true adult. I can do this. I will do this. Jon and I will kill this whole “homeowner” thing.

Till next time.

 

 

 

I want to say I tried to keep up with this. I can’t. Life is too busy and the last thing on the list of things to do is to sit down and write out my thoughts.

Today is one of those days where I did the same thing today as the day before. 3 AM wake up call. Work. Short lunch. Back to work. Come home and do the same dishes and the same loads of laundry that I’ve been doing all week. Get the kids ready for a bath. So on and so forth.

I feel a little defeated lately. So many changes are on the horizon and I’m back to not knowing where my job is going. Where my income will be cut. My oldest is officially enrolled to begin kindergarten this year. We have been pre-approved for a home loan. I have to change my position at work, with the uncertainty of where I will be going.

Soon I will have been on my medication for 6 months? Somewhere around there. It’s still the best decision I have made in a long time. I have yet to have any panic attacks or points of severe anxiety. I can wake up and go to work and not be shaking and anxious. So I am still very much paying attention to my mental health. I have not had to take a sleep aid since I’ve started taking my medication. Which is amazing. Sleep was never an easy thing for me. Now I can fall asleep without the nagging thoughts or my brain waking me up half-way through the night to think about every mistake I’ve ever made.

Today’s funk will get better. I’m sure it’s related to daylight savings. Big things are yet to come. Thank God I have a husband that is supportive and loving.

For now, that’s all I have. Especially since my 2 year old is now sitting on the table attempting to push buttons on the keyboard and pulling flowers out of my vase.

It’s been almost a month since staring Prozac. Just a few days ago my doctor increased my dose and still recommend I take the Hydroxyzine especially on higher stress days.

Today I knew it was going to be rough at work. Too many new people, too many orders, not enough help. I didn’t expect to get humiliated in front of customers. Or have management on me for things that I am trying to fix, but have been unsuccessful at.

Today was the first day I felt it. The fast heart rate. The tears. The emotions that I couldn’t control. I felt defeated. I know I will have bad days. They are bound to happen. I guess I got spoiled this past month not having to deal with it.

I felt so small today. I did not feel like a boss. I felt like a kid again. Unsure of myself and trying to make it through. I cried a lot today. A LOT. I got home and I lost it. I called my mom and cried some more. I am a tired mom. I am a tired employee. A dog chasing it’s tail.

I get yelled at. I come home and make dinner and clean up someone else’s poop. I go to work and clean up other people’s messes.  Every glimmer of niceness from your average person gives me hope. Till I see someone else do something shitty.

It was a rough one today. After all those tears I did take one of the low dose hydroxyzine tablets. And you know what? It helped.

I wish more people in this world were kinder. More understanding. Not as quick to anger. Not so ready to bite each other over any little thing. Everyone takes small things so serious that when something serious does happen, you feel unsure of its severity.

I will be so glad to see my weekend. I don’t want to people anymore. I don’t want one more person to complain to me about work issues. I want people to do their jobs and leave me alone.

I will continue to try and get better. One day will not define how I feel about this journey. I hope I wake up tomorrow more positive. Without a headache. Ready to go. We will see.

Till next time

I’m sure I could figure it out if I tried. Still going strong on the medication.

I feel like I’m at a weird transitional part of my life. I finally got help for my anxiety. I feel pretty good. Still don’t know what to do about my position at work.

I feel like my relationship with my mom isn’t the greatest right now. With her and my brother out of state it’s been difficult staying connected. She loves my girls, but I fee at this point they could cut us out of their lives easily. They are never the first to call or text. I try to send them a picture of the girls at least once a week.

I guess I’m feeling unwanted by them. Which I’m fine with. It’s been that way since I was young. It does bother me that my kids have family on both sides not involved in their lives. My co workers seem to care and know more about their daily lives than my family does.

My grandma was someone who really understood me and knew how to push me and challenge me, but was always proud of me. I want that for my kids too. I want them to ask about my kids. See how preschool is going. See how big my youngest has gotten. I wish our relationships weren’t the way they are.

Maybe next time I will know what day it is.

 

 

As my weekend comes to an end, I’m faced with going back to work tomorrow. As we all are. Every week. I don’t think any amount of medication can take away the fact that I don’t want to go. That 3 am wake up call. Leaving my sleeping babies that have the most angelic little faces.

We went on a beautiful walk this morning before taking my oldest to preschool. The air was cold, but the sun was warm. Watching my little ones run down the path while holding my husband’s hand. I want to do it every day. Shut out the rest of the world and wrap myself up with making memories. Every time I look at my youngest, she is ever-changing and growing so fast. She is using more words every day. Talking non stop. Her personality growing. My danger child. My crazy girl. Little miss strong thing.

My oldest is getting sassier and more confident. Smarter and more wicked. Testing her me and her dad. One day they will be bigger and not want anything to do with me. Can’t blame me for wanting to soak up every minute I can with them. Hold little hands while they’re still little. Take all the cuddles I can while they still fit on my lap.

I know this is rambling. I just get sad every day I wake up and have to leave for work. Like I said, I guess I have to be happy with having the extra time off with them. I just want to go on so many adventures with them. I want to see so many things with them. Explore. I want them to see all the things I haven’t gotten to. I didn’t go on my first airplane till I was 17 years old.

Today Jon and I started talking about a road trip next year to Oregon and maybe Idaho. That breathed some new life into me. It makes me so happy to plan something like that. Solid family adventure. So for now that will be the thing I focus on. Not the upcoming medical bills. Or the cut in pay. At least road trips are cheaper than plane tickets.

Bottom line is, I don’t like dealing with anyone that isn’t my family. If I could hang our with them every day I would be happy. I don’t get sick of them. I get sick of the outside world. The monotony of the daily grind.

Till next time.

I followed doctors orders and upped my medication. I was scared it was going to make me one of those medicated zombies you’re always hearing about. Luckily that didn’t happen. My sleep has been decent.

Unfortunately Jonathan goes back to work this week. He’s been home almost a month since he had his heart surgery. Normally we work opposite shifts. I work early mornings and he works nights. We do the whole passing ships thing. As well as passing children.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about having him gone and going back to the old routine. Putting the kids to sleep by myself. Making dinner for them by myself. I love being with everyone at the same time. And now we go back to waiting 5 days till our weekend to be able to see each other and have quality family time.

My happy place is with my family. So much so it almost makes me hate having to be in the general public and working. Even without my anxiety playing a role, I just want to be with my kids. I think I could rock being a stay at home mom. I would like to say someday it could happen. If I’m honest with myself I know it won’t. Lillian is about to turn 2. Next year Audrey will be in kindergarten. My window for being that stay at home mom is quickly closing. I would love to have a 3rd baby if I knew I could be home. We no longer live in that day in age anymore. Even with one decent income the world is too expensive. Especially where we live.

As I’m writing this I’m coming to terms with that fact. I’ll never get to be the stay at home mom. My kids are growing too fast. We don’t have the money. No matter how much debt we have gotten rid of. There’s always more. I don’t even want to see what we are going to get hit with after Jon’s heart surgery.

But I have worked to get fewer hours at work. So I can sit here and pout or be happy that at least after a year of fighting I have gotten my hours down. And I can be happy that though we might be in debt for the rest of our lives, I will have my husband here longer because of this surgery. And though I might get some medical bills for my doctor visits, I am taking care of myself so I can be a better mom to these amazing little girls. That I got to take on a wonderfully relaxing walk today after preschool.

Life is not perfect. I’m not rich. I don’t have a big home. I don’t enjoy my job or have people banging down the door offering to help babysit. I DO have an amazing husband that worships me. No matter how jiggly I am. Or how much I roll my eyes at him. And I have children that are healthy and happy and know that their mom and dad love them. They have food and clothes and beds to sleep in even if they end up in mine.

I am blessed. With all this crazy. And this journey of life. I am loved. Something I never would have believed years ago.

Till next time.

Things are still going well mood wise. Made it through another day without any anxiety incidents. So that’s cool. Although it seems I get pretty groggy, especially towards the end of the day. Sleeping has been a little off and on. I have noticed that when I do wake up in the middle of the night, I’m not immediately thrown into an anxiety trip of all the things I should be worrying about. It’s easier for me to quiet those thoughts and fall back to sleep quicker than I normally would. When before I would be awake for sometimes hours.

I’m lacking in much to write about today or maybe I’m over thinking the things I want to write. Like anyone other than my husband will ever read this. Hi honey.

Till tomorrow.

 

 

After two successful days in a row at work, I am feeling more and more optimistic that the decision to start on medication was the best for me.

Today my heart didn’t drop anytime someone mentioned my name. To be fair I did have some nerves waking up this morning, but they quickly went away. My nervous energy seems almost nonexistent. It used to feel like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Today I felt like steady Freddy. My hands weren’t shaking. My thoughts were focused. It all sounds too good to be true.

The side effects to the Prozac have not been very noticeable enough for me to pay much attention to them. They certainly don’t outweigh the positive effects I’ve been feeling even on the lowest dose.

I’m not sure if I want to change the dosage this upcoming week like the doctor suggested. I think I’ll be contacting her soon. I don’t want to be “over medicated” if it’s not necessary.

I’ve lived with anxiety for so long. Over a decade. I remember my first panic attack that left me drenched in sweat in a classroom in high school. Looking like the crazy kid. I remember running out of grocery stores while my mom stood in the check out lane. Multiple times. I remember getting tunnel vision and losing my breakfast on my way to the bus stop because I couldn’t deal.

I will gladly take this little blue pill.

I’ve enjoyed my children so much these last few days. As well as enjoyed spending quality time with my husband. I was paying attention. I was there and present and happy and laughing.

I know this isn’t everyone’s experience with anxiety or medication, but it’s mine and I’m glad I’ve done this for me. Finally.

Today was the first day at work since staring my anti-anxiety medication. I certainly felt different from what I normally do. While my hands weren’t shaking and my heart wasn’t racing, I had many people asking if I was okay. Which I was. Just not my high strung self that people are used to.

I know this is going to be a journey and nothing is going to be fixed within the first week. Not knowing how my mind will react to new situations or what to expect is difficult. I don’t do well with the unknown. I want to keep a positive mindset that this will work.

One thing I can say for certain is I know my home life is easier. Not to say it wasn’t before. I’m blessed with an incredibly supportive husband and my kids are kids. They are loud and crazy, but nothing I can’t handle. It’s been easier to enjoy my family time because my brain noise isn’t always butting in and taking center stage to my thoughts. I even found myself daydreaming instead of making lists of things I need to do or things I messed up or things that haven’t happened yet but should still be worrying about.

This journey is for me and my health. Trying to remove myself from work more to reduce stress. Trying not to think of the potential financial burden that comes packaged with that. The feelings of guilt and selfishness for wanting to do what I want to make me happy. I know when I’m in a good place my kids are in a good place and my relationship is in a good place.

This is a journey for me to not just fix myself, but to find myself again and find my passion again. Too long I have gone day to day filled with stress and anxiety, living for my next day off. Trying not to run out the front door at work when every fiber of my being tells me I should. Wanting to sit in a corner and be invisible so I can cry out all the emotions I try to hide from my children.

Guilt hits you hardest when you can’t help a break down in front of your little humans. Who try to comfort you when they have no idea why mommy is sad.

I’m glad I’m finally taking care of me. I don’t want to forget that and go right back to breaking myself down for sake of other people. My girls deserve a strong role model. I got this.

This blog is meant to be a journal. I guess something I can look back at after I’ve been on this path for a while.

I’m a mother of two amazing little girls. I’m doing this for them. To break the cycle of mental health being untreated and ignored or self medicated in my family. After over a decade of dealing with anxiety and depression I finally decided enough was enough. After failed therapy attempts, breathing exercises, losing weight. I was finally over it.

I called multiple doctors offices trying to find someone accepting new patients. No one had openings for over a month. I’ve waited 10 plus years. I wasn’t going to wait another month.

Long story short, I found one and had my first appointment yesterday. The night before I told my 4 year old I had to go to the doctor. She looked at me and said “It’s okay, mommy. You have to be brave.” Then she rubbed my cheek and rolled over in bed and just like that I was tearing up.

Both ladies I dealt with at the doctor’s office were amazing. I was so worried that I wasn’t going to be taken seriously once again and be told to change my diet and be more active. I’m on my feet and walking at least 8 and a half hours a day at work and have lost nearly 100 pounds over the course of the last 6 years.

I started low dose Prozac and will soon start Hydroxyzine. I do NOT want to be pill shamed. I will not be pill shamed. This has been a long needed intervention for me. If taking a little blue pill in the morning will make me a more present mom, a more engaged employee. I will do it and I will no it without shame. Too many years I have suffered through. Pushing myself when all I want to do is run away. I’m done wanting to run. I want to be a kick ass mom. I want to stop hearing my brain noise 24/7 and hear what my daughter has to say about preschool.

Even though I am only on day 2 of the lowest dose of medication, for the first time in a long time I honestly feel hopeful for the future of my mental health. I was able to lay next to my husband last night and focus on what he was talking to me about. I was able to enjoy cooking dinner with my daughter helping. Maybe its a placebo effect. Right now I honestly don’t care if it is. We will just have to see where it goes from here.